I have mastitis

and it's the pits.

i need more sleep

Yesterday mid-morning we finally got ready to go to the grocery. The getting ready part takes awhile: diapers changed; shoes on; jackets on; diaper bag ready--diapers, sippy cup, crackers, banana; baby in car seat; find the obligatory stuffed bunny; all ready. Out the door we go. Once the three of us were outside on the steps I realized I'd forgotten the keys and had just locked us outside the house. And I'd forgotten the cell phone inside so I couldn't call anyone who might have a key. While Frances pulled the petals off my pansies (and the baby sat thankfully quietly in his car seat), I stood on the front lawn trying to clear the haze from my brain and figure out what to do. Soon a neighbor and friend of mine came along pushing a stroller. She had a phone so I called who I could but no one was home. I was getting ready to try to break in the house when my friend said, "You're sure you locked the back door?" I thought I'd check, and it turns out my muddled brain had forgotten to do that before we left! Ah, the salvation of the confused. So we were off. But it had been so long since we got ready to go that on the way to the store (which is only about a mile and 1/2 away) the baby needed to nurse again, so I pulled off at the rec center parking lot. And when I got the baby out of the car I discovered I'd never buckled him in his seat in the first place. My gawd.

So.

Last night Clark slept for five hours straight, meaning I slept for five hours straight--the longest stretch of sleep I've gotten in a month needless to say. I feel sort of amazing, which is why I can delay my nap long enough to type this. Besides, I have to stay up a bit longer because Clark refuses to fall asleep without being held, so I am currently swaying back and forth with him strapped on my front. Once he's out cold I can put him down and lie down myself. This situation (his only falling asleep while being held) is a problem. I'm dealing with it in stages. Will let you know the update on that sometime in the future.

This whole two-kid thing is hard. Today it doesn't seem quite as hard, which makes me think the difficulty comes with the sleep deprivation and is not born solely of the two-kid dynamic. But it's hard to entertain Frances while nursing and burping and walking and changing diapers, and when she plays on her own she pulls the animal food bowls off the counter where we've tried to get them out of her reach, and if they don't break when they fall to the floor they spill water, which she slips on, and cat food, which she eats.

And there's the baby. This tiny newborn stage is really sweet in some ways, really warm and lovey and sweet; but it's also really exasperating. I now remember why I had a hard time with this age the first time around. I mean, he just ate; how can he be hungry? My friend B calls it parasitic, and it is. It's also terribly monotonous. Asking Frances to name the colors of her blocks while the baby hangs off my boob makes things less boring for sure, but even with that it's hard to deny the monotony. I'm trying to remember remember remember that it's only a short period of time, and that later I will wish it had been longer. He is terribly sweet. And now he's sleeping so it's my time to do that too.

mush brain

The thing that keeps slipping off my radar while taking care of both kids is changing Frances' diaper. I check it to see if she's pooped, but if she hasn't it doesn't occur to me to change it, though it feels like I change the boy's diaper every half hour. You'd think this wouldn't be something complicated to follow through with. But I have to say, my brain in general is mush right now; I forget my thoughts mid-sentence, leave the house in slippers, search the house for the glasses on my head. Today I got about 2 hours of nap midday but I didn't feel any more rested this evening when Frances spit her potato soup into her hand and smeared it on the armchair. I suppose the real problem with that was that I was feeding her in the living room armchair in the first place. Some battles I just can't fight right now.

this place

I'm rather tired of hearing gunshots in the neighborhood at night. Every time it happens I feel this exhaustion and defeat come over me. I'm hesitant to write this here because I don't want to give Durham more of a bad name than it already has; it deserves some of its reputation, but not all. Folks in Raleigh and Chapel Hill are scared to even drive through town, which is ridiculous. But there it is: gunshots. Although I don't feel any threat to my personal safety here, one does have to stay alert in general, and that's so tiring. It will be nice to live somewhere clean and safe. Sometimes it strikes me as comic that I live where gunshots are commonplace. Some people live all their lives hearing gunshots nearby but not by choice, and I'm not generally familiar with those places.

thank goodness

Did I say yet we sold our house? In one day one day one day! And for asking price!!!! I'm so tired. I can't write too much about it right now except to say thank goodness. I was curious (and somewhat panicked) as to how I was going to get both kids ready and out the door with an hour's notice, plus the house picked up, plus nursing and naps etc etc. Oh thank goodness. We closed on the house in Rochester last week so for the moment we have 2 mortgages, but that should be remedied by the end of April. Then we'll rent back from the buyer until the end of May when we actually move.

I'm excited about the move. I think we'll really like it there. :)

not so bad

Yesterday was my first day home by myself with both babes and I felt like a superhero. We went for a walk and then drove to the PetSmart for more catfood. I got both of them to sleep at the same time and I was able to nap for an hour and 1/2. Then our friend Vivian came over to play in the afternoon. It was a good day. Today was just as good. Lately Frances has been so difficult, but she was much better these last 2 days; I think she was missing my attention. She doesn't seem to have issues with the fact that I hold the baby a lot. In fact, she sort of takes it for granted. When someone else holds the baby she doesn't like it and insists that I take him back.

The hardest thing is definitely the sleep deprivation. Last night I think I got about 3 hours total; the baby was having a rough time of it. *Hopefully* Frances will keep up the stellar nap schedule she's got going right now and I'll be able to rest a bit in the afternoons. That, and I need to start going to bed earlier if the tiny one will let me.

To everyone whose emails and voicemails I need to return: I have no idea which ones those are and don't think I'm going to catch up on them anytime soon. Going to just have to start from scratch. Wish I could be more on top of that, but I can hardly find time to toast bread right now. I'll get a routine eventually and catch back up with everyone. Love!

siblings

you only feel what you feel

The hormones are balancing themselves out, I suppose, and the weepiness comes and goes. A couple of days ago I looked at some pictures a friend of mine took of Frances and my pregnant belly and I got completely overcome with sadness that my alone time with Frances is gone. Since I quit work—5 weeks ago or so—Frances and I had settled into a little routine, a sweet kind of symbiosis, a world that worked for the two of us each day. And now there's this interloper. I fear that I will be spending so much energy just trying to figure out how to get both of them strapped in for a trip to the grocery that I won't be able to fully see and experience either of them... That all my energy will go toward managing the two of them that I won't get to enjoy them.

I realize that other folks have done this before me. I realize that many many folks are doing this right now, and seemingly without too much angst. Perhaps it just takes some getting used to. Perhaps once I figure out the logistics I'll settle back into routine and develop my relationships with both of them, together and individually. Perhaps it's all just anxiety on my part. And as I write this it's clear to me how unnecessary this anxiety is—the situation will be what it is, and I'll deal with it as it comes, and being anxious about it helps me none. But, as I was reminded last night at a ppd group meeting, you can only feel what you feel.

Frances has been gone three days. Yesterday on the phone she said, "Mama," and when I asked if she was having fun with her Grammy she said, "Da," which is her word for yes. She also blew me a very loud kiss. Today she's at the zoo with her Grammy and aunt and cousins. The plan is for her to stay with my mom until Sunday, which will be five days away from us, the longest she's been away. I miss her but I'm also getting sleep. This space has allowed my father-in-law to do several jobs to get the house ready to go on the market; he put up a new storm door, painted the front porch, patched the bathroom floor, finished shoe moulding in the kitchen, and more. I'm very fortunate to have this kind of support. On the one hand it's hard to have folks in your house/space for so long, but I'm also aware that it is their being here that's allowing me to recover and adjust to this newness. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective.

adjustment

My mom took Frances back to her house for a few days and it's amazing how quiet it is around here. I keep forgetting she's gone and assuming she must be napping.

The last few days have been rough with F. Mitch got the stomach flu and she couldn't understand why she couldn't play with Dad, and I had the baby hanging off my boob half the time so I couldn't play with her either. She sure is cute, though, even when she's upset.

You know, having the first kid is such a shock, such a lifestyle change, and it leaves you wondering what the hell you've done to your world and sometimes wishing you could go back. But the second isn't so stunning... You know what to expect, what's going to be hard, and you're already doing the kid thing, so it's not an enormous shift. What strikes me as funny now, especially here in the quiet with F gone, is why I found it so shocking in the first place. I'd forgotten how much babies sleep--it leaves me all kinds of time to nap or do laundry or write on the blog or lie flat on my back and watch Oprah. I can take walks when I want, go to the grocery store; we could go out to dinner for godsake, a luxury I'd all but written off for several years.

I'm going to take this opportunity to clean out a closet.