apartness

Feeling sick all the time is really taking a toll… Mitch and Frances and I went to West Virginia weekend before last for Mitch’s family reunion, and feeling the way I do while traveling, plus taking care of Frances, really started to wear me down. On the way home we stopped at my mom’s in Winston-Salem to get the dog (where we’d left him for the weekend) and while there I asked my mom if she’d be willing to take Frances a night that week. In the end it was decided we should just leave her there. We already had the pack-n-play and her clothes in the car. I ran to the grocery for some food and formula and diapers and then Mitch, the dog, and I got in the car and came home. It was an amazing feeling. We stopped to pick up a pizza and then realized we could EAT IT AT THE RESTAURANT. Wow. I told Mom to call as often as she needed, so we talked on the phone all the time. It turned out that my mom had more fun than she expected (and than I expected) with having Frances there. They took walks. They played in the yard and visited my aunt and my cousin and a friend down the street. They went shopping. In the end, because they were having so much fun, Frances stayed 3 nights. Three whole nights. It was amazing. I'd only been away from her one night before--when she was 5 months old and Mitch's parents kept her overnight. Then I felt an anxious pull to be near her, an oddness in my gut that was the missing of her. This time I didn't feel that. I lay on the sofa and felt sick and watched DVDs. In theory I wanted to do laundry and clean the bathroom, but I felt too horrible for those things. DVDs were much more helpful. And I have to admit, I didn’t miss her. I just felt relief. I don’t know what I would have felt if I weren’t feeling so sick, if I’d have felt more conflicted or longing, but as it was I was only relieved. Though, when I first saw her when she came home, I got choked up. Frances, apparently, had no trouble at all. She never once had a meltdown, never fussed, never cried except when she fell and hit her head in the kitchen. She’s rather comfortable in the world, and for this I feel enormous success.