sick and obsessing

I’ve been really sick. I can’t remember the last time I was this sick. It’s possible it’s morphed into pneumonia and I’m supposed to go to the OB tomorrow to have them do a chest x-ray to see. On one hand I feel so crummy this sounds like a good idea. On the other hand, I wonder if I’m being hysterical and dramatic about it all. I’ve felt so bad that I’ve actually WISHED that I do turn out to be that sick. Why on earth would I wish this? I suppose because then I’m 1) not just a wimp for whining about what turns out to be just a virus and 2) justified in missing as much class as I have. I feel really bad about being out of class, I do. I feel it’s a disservice to my students, but then I think—“It’s just one college class. They probably won’t even remember this class 5 years from now.” I mean, how important, really, are these individual classes? It’s hard for me to say. When my perspective is all off and I’m feeling stressed, I feel they are very important, but sometimes I think that’s just self-serving thought.

Anyway. Tonight I’m feeling the smallest smidgen better, like the Tylenol is actually doing its work, which has been questionable in the past few days. And feeling even a teeny bit better makes me wonder if I should be going to school tomorrow. I’ve already talked to my chair and she’s planning on covering my classes… And if I DON’T go to school, does this require me to go to the doctor as I’d planned? Is it just a waste to go if I’m getting better? Maybe it’s a virus after all and has (finally!) run its course. Am I just obsessing way to much about it either way? Maybe that’s a side effect of the illness…