venting

Yesterday at the doc my blood pressure was up again. It's not very high compared to the normal population, but it's up significantly from my usual. They now want to do monitoring (stress strip test and ultrasound for fluid levels) twice a week because of my blood pressure. In fact, they are talking about wanting to induce at 39 weeks (I'll be 38 on Thurs) if it keeps going up. Ugh. It's so hard to know if they're just being hysterical. I got so upset today about it all... I want want want want want to be able to have a natural birth experience, you know? I want it so badly, and I feel on one hand like their conservatism and lack of faith in the BODY will keep me from that. On the other hand, preeclampsia is serious, I know, and maybe I'm just being selfish in wanting this particular birth experience and ignoring the seriousness of the issue? It's hard to say. I'm seeing a midwife at my next visit and am interested to hear what she has to say about it, whether she thinks it's serious enough to warrent early induction. If I can make it to 40 weeks then maybe we can induce using natural methods like breaking the water, nipple stim, etc. Although I'm FINE with my experience with Frances, which was not ideal, feel that it was the only way and best way, I really was hoping this time would go differently. It's funny—some women wouldn't care. Some women would be pleased to have the birth come earlier, and they wouldn't think twice about being induced b/c they'd have the epidural anyway, and what's the big deal? Something about it trips something deep in me, though I'm not quite sure what. When I close my eyes and fantasize about the birth, it happens here in my own house. I secretly hope the labor goes so fast we don't have time to make it to the hospital. I wish Mitch were brave enough to plan for a home birth, but here we are. And a hospital birth is what it is. (but why am I doing it??)

What it comes down to is that I don't fully trust the doctors, but why not? It's something I'm having a hard time accessing on a conscious level.

Mitch says I'm stressed about something but he doesn't know what it is. I think it's nothing more complicated than the urge to nest v/s feeling unsettled—can't get our house straight enough; feel like I should be packing up, not hunkering down; projects to do to get the house on the market, etc. I think it's the nesting urge that's not being fulfilled. Maybe I can figure out some little things that might satisfy this urge for the moment, some things I can control, like cooking and freezing food for after the baby... Or organizing a diaper table in our room.

This seems to me a pretty chaotic and possibly incoherent post, but that's what I've got. Please leave comments if you have insights. I'll take anything these days. :)