backsliding

Did I say that things were going exceptionally well? (see previous post...) It was just a moment, a fluke, a respite before regular life returned. Oh i'm cynical and depressed. Hopefully that's the fluke and things will improve again, and maybe this time for a longer period. Anyway.

It's 5:30 am and I've been up with Clark pretty much since 3. The first time I tried to rock and soothe him w/out feeding him. 2nd time I gave him tylenol and rocked him again. 3rd time I fed him a bottle (have I said we've weaned? I had started giving him a bottle in the evening and in the night so other people would be able to stay w/ him and let us go away for much needed alone time, and then my supply started dropping. I tried to bring it up, but Clark didn't really want to nurse anymore, so it just kept dropping. I'm a little sad about it, conflicted I guess. Perhaps more about that later.), and between these I was letting him cry for a short time. Eventually Mitch asked if he should try and I said I didn't care if we just let him cry, but Mitch went in and after that he was quiet for a whole 15 minutes. Then I just said screw it and got up.

The night before last he was up but only once in the night and yesterday I woke in a funk. I almost felt like I was stoned most of the day. I don't know if it was just the one night of broken sleep or what. I haven't had any social contact this week at all, and there's no doubt I do much better when i'm getting social contact, with or without the kids. So back to depressed. I've been lying in bed since 3 (between getting up times, of course) thinking about how I'm not happy in my marriage. Which, btw, I pretty much haven't thought for the 6 years I've been married, so I can only surmise that the majority of that thought comes from the depression. Whenever I have a twinge of depression I think "oh shit oh shit here it comes again." It's hard so just let it come and trust that it will eventually go.

Thankfully the boy can play exceptionally well by himself so at this moment I don't have to entertain.

About that: I've been feeling guilty lately (perhaps more of the depression) that Frances got so much direct uninterrupted attention at this age and Clark gets the grand experience of navigating this world (or at least the family room) on his own. Not only did she get more attention from me, but her sitter Carol loved her better than perhaps anyone could. Carol was ideal in her interactions, her focused attention, the pure love she gave Frances. I really truly don't think I can love her as well. As much, yes, but not as well. I wish Clark could experience it. I also am sad for Frances that she no longer has that in her life. Last night I was singing her a song and one of the lines is, "if they gave me a treasure my pleasure would be small, I could lose it all tomorrow and never mind at all, but if I should lose your love dear I don't know what i'd do, for I know i'll never find another you." She always stops me here and asks about "why he lose treasure?" (interesting she assumes a male narrator...) and I try to explain that he didn't actually lose it, but if he did then it would be okay because he has love and love is more important than treasure. She wanted to know "why he love" and that was a hard one to explain but I did my best and finally came around to "who do you love? You love Carol, don't you," to which she said, "I lose my Carol," and I thought my heart would break.

Going to go play with him to ease some of the lack-of-attention guilt. Frances and the sun will be up soon.