Wednesday, September 19, 2007

on this ride

Mitch has been in Holland for the last few days and I've been a single mom. I was nervous as hell for him to go--thought it would be awful trying to do everything by myself. But it turns out I quite enjoyed the alone time with Frances. We had a good time pulling every item out of the toy box one by one and then putting them back, at least until I started feeling nauseated again. Thing was, after she was finally in bed, I had no energy for grading. It's a good thing I revised the syllabus.

So Mitch reports from Holland that it's possible (not having gone yet on his other campus visits) that the job in Holland is his best career move. They'd expect us to stay only 3 or 4 years, so it wouldn't be forever, but it makes me awfully nervous to think about moving overseas w/ 2 small babies. On one hand I feel like I should embrace living abroad for awhile--this life is short after all. But on the other hand I'm already petrified to be having this 2nd baby. What were we thinking? I have no idea. I'm afraid I'm going to completely lose my mind, but other people have done it with grace (or at least DONE it, grace or no). We'll see how it goes. I can't get off this ride now...

And, interestingly, this is exactly how I feel--like I'm on a ride, strapped in, unable to change my mind, trying trying to simply look ahead with more than naked nervous anticipation, waiting for my stomach to drop (or grow, as it were...) and the earth to fall away under me. There's that Jem song... "it's just a ride it's just a ride, don't be scared now dry your eyes. It may feel so real inside but don't forget it's just a ride." Maybe it's more than just guilty pop pleasure.

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