Thursday, May 29, 2008


Well, it's the last night in our sweet little house. I'm getting ready take my last bath here in this space. Tomorrow folks will come and pack everything up and then the next thing will begin. It's still amazing to me how mushy is my brain.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

mush mush mush

My brain is mush. Only 10 days left in our lovely house; 10 days in the south; 10 days before the new life. If my brain weren't so mushy I could perhaps think about what it all might mean. Instead, I walk in circles trying to remember what I'm supposed to be doing, which generally is changing a diaper.

I actually had about 2 hours away from both kids recently (and without my husband, incidentally) and it was wonderful. I felt light, physically lighter, nearly giddy. I hung out at a friend's house with several other folks and they were asking what life is like for me these days. Having an actual moment to sit and think about that (a rarity), I was able to consider what indeed it is like. It was an interesting thought--to realize how completely different my life is from what it was; how being a mom of two little little ones is not as hard as I thought it would be, but it is totally and absolutely consuming. It is what I do, all I do. It is who I am. I'm rather surprised to find myself here. Not only that, but I'm enjoying it. I'm tired and frequently exasperated, but on a fundamental level I'm really happy. (how interesting...)

Still, the mush that is the brain.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

life is a tale

It's half way through the month and I've only posted once so I feel like I'm due, but I also don't feel like I have much to say. I've been struck lately by the blues, which makes writing undesirable (as well as doing much else) and I don't want to elaborate on my emotional state here because that would be useless and boring to read. These blues come and go... I fixated for a bit on Clark's birth and all that went wrong (only some of which I noted in his birth story post) and then wrote my doula several blaming emails. After a somewhat heated exchange we came to an amiable stopping point and now I'm more at peace with that. But the move is looming.

Here's the rub: Although I am my individual self, I am also a product of 20th and 21st century america, and here in middle class america this is the way life goes. We take jobs, we move, we adjust. We allow the new employer to pay for movers to pack up all the stuff we accumulate to keep us afloat, we drive across the country, we unpack, we live similar lives in a different climate. We move away from family, we move closer to family, we drive and fly to visit the family and friends we've left, we email and telephone and skype and blog, and our relationships grow and change. What we are doing by moving is nothing more than living our life, this life that I agreed to, this very one that I will look back on years from now laid out like a story in a book. In any case, thinking about it like that helps me panic less.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

my daughter is a toddler

My daughter is currently in her bed because that's where the paci lives and she couldn't seem to function without it this morning. There was a fit because after mom said this was the last baby einstein video, mom still wouldn't put another one on. And there was a fit because she wanted baby brother to sit in his bouncy seat on the kitchen table rather than on the island in the kitchen. It was helpful to choose between apples and pears for breakfast, but then baby brother was still sitting on the island rather than the table, and mom still said no more tv. So to the bed we go.

This is a new stage, which is to say we've entered a new realm of the cosmos. It's different here, the air a little thinner and everyone's patience shorter because of the lack of oxygen. Luckily the baby doesn't seem to notice. We've decided we've got to work on having F see other people holding the baby, because the level of distress she experiences whenever anyone but mom holds him is way out of proportion to the situation. Nearly everyone who comes over is going to be asked to hold him for at least a moment. Yesterday when grammy was here it went surprisingly well, at least the 2nd time.

I can hear her talking with her fingerpuppets in her bed right now. Having the paci confined to the bed is a wonderful trick because it creates some built in down time when she needs it. But the risk is that she'll fall asleep in there before her nap, which is what happened yesterday. On the one hand, one hopes an early nap may mean a 2nd in the day, but the reality is that it only means an early nap and the evening dinner routine is more disastrous than usual. So do I go in and get her up if she starts to fall asleep? Do I leave her and hope for the best? If the baby goes to sleep soon also, then I could get a nap too, but that's risking an awful lot these days.