I have mastitis

and it's the pits.

i need more sleep

Yesterday mid-morning we finally got ready to go to the grocery. The getting ready part takes awhile: diapers changed; shoes on; jackets on; diaper bag ready--diapers, sippy cup, crackers, banana; baby in car seat; find the obligatory stuffed bunny; all ready. Out the door we go. Once the three of us were outside on the steps I realized I'd forgotten the keys and had just locked us outside the house. And I'd forgotten the cell phone inside so I couldn't call anyone who might have a key. While Frances pulled the petals off my pansies (and the baby sat thankfully quietly in his car seat), I stood on the front lawn trying to clear the haze from my brain and figure out what to do. Soon a neighbor and friend of mine came along pushing a stroller. She had a phone so I called who I could but no one was home. I was getting ready to try to break in the house when my friend said, "You're sure you locked the back door?" I thought I'd check, and it turns out my muddled brain had forgotten to do that before we left! Ah, the salvation of the confused. So we were off. But it had been so long since we got ready to go that on the way to the store (which is only about a mile and 1/2 away) the baby needed to nurse again, so I pulled off at the rec center parking lot. And when I got the baby out of the car I discovered I'd never buckled him in his seat in the first place. My gawd.

So.

Last night Clark slept for five hours straight, meaning I slept for five hours straight--the longest stretch of sleep I've gotten in a month needless to say. I feel sort of amazing, which is why I can delay my nap long enough to type this. Besides, I have to stay up a bit longer because Clark refuses to fall asleep without being held, so I am currently swaying back and forth with him strapped on my front. Once he's out cold I can put him down and lie down myself. This situation (his only falling asleep while being held) is a problem. I'm dealing with it in stages. Will let you know the update on that sometime in the future.

This whole two-kid thing is hard. Today it doesn't seem quite as hard, which makes me think the difficulty comes with the sleep deprivation and is not born solely of the two-kid dynamic. But it's hard to entertain Frances while nursing and burping and walking and changing diapers, and when she plays on her own she pulls the animal food bowls off the counter where we've tried to get them out of her reach, and if they don't break when they fall to the floor they spill water, which she slips on, and cat food, which she eats.

And there's the baby. This tiny newborn stage is really sweet in some ways, really warm and lovey and sweet; but it's also really exasperating. I now remember why I had a hard time with this age the first time around. I mean, he just ate; how can he be hungry? My friend B calls it parasitic, and it is. It's also terribly monotonous. Asking Frances to name the colors of her blocks while the baby hangs off my boob makes things less boring for sure, but even with that it's hard to deny the monotony. I'm trying to remember remember remember that it's only a short period of time, and that later I will wish it had been longer. He is terribly sweet. And now he's sleeping so it's my time to do that too.

mush brain

The thing that keeps slipping off my radar while taking care of both kids is changing Frances' diaper. I check it to see if she's pooped, but if she hasn't it doesn't occur to me to change it, though it feels like I change the boy's diaper every half hour. You'd think this wouldn't be something complicated to follow through with. But I have to say, my brain in general is mush right now; I forget my thoughts mid-sentence, leave the house in slippers, search the house for the glasses on my head. Today I got about 2 hours of nap midday but I didn't feel any more rested this evening when Frances spit her potato soup into her hand and smeared it on the armchair. I suppose the real problem with that was that I was feeding her in the living room armchair in the first place. Some battles I just can't fight right now.

this place

I'm rather tired of hearing gunshots in the neighborhood at night. Every time it happens I feel this exhaustion and defeat come over me. I'm hesitant to write this here because I don't want to give Durham more of a bad name than it already has; it deserves some of its reputation, but not all. Folks in Raleigh and Chapel Hill are scared to even drive through town, which is ridiculous. But there it is: gunshots. Although I don't feel any threat to my personal safety here, one does have to stay alert in general, and that's so tiring. It will be nice to live somewhere clean and safe. Sometimes it strikes me as comic that I live where gunshots are commonplace. Some people live all their lives hearing gunshots nearby but not by choice, and I'm not generally familiar with those places.

thank goodness

Did I say yet we sold our house? In one day one day one day! And for asking price!!!! I'm so tired. I can't write too much about it right now except to say thank goodness. I was curious (and somewhat panicked) as to how I was going to get both kids ready and out the door with an hour's notice, plus the house picked up, plus nursing and naps etc etc. Oh thank goodness. We closed on the house in Rochester last week so for the moment we have 2 mortgages, but that should be remedied by the end of April. Then we'll rent back from the buyer until the end of May when we actually move.

I'm excited about the move. I think we'll really like it there. :)

not so bad

Yesterday was my first day home by myself with both babes and I felt like a superhero. We went for a walk and then drove to the PetSmart for more catfood. I got both of them to sleep at the same time and I was able to nap for an hour and 1/2. Then our friend Vivian came over to play in the afternoon. It was a good day. Today was just as good. Lately Frances has been so difficult, but she was much better these last 2 days; I think she was missing my attention. She doesn't seem to have issues with the fact that I hold the baby a lot. In fact, she sort of takes it for granted. When someone else holds the baby she doesn't like it and insists that I take him back.

The hardest thing is definitely the sleep deprivation. Last night I think I got about 3 hours total; the baby was having a rough time of it. *Hopefully* Frances will keep up the stellar nap schedule she's got going right now and I'll be able to rest a bit in the afternoons. That, and I need to start going to bed earlier if the tiny one will let me.

To everyone whose emails and voicemails I need to return: I have no idea which ones those are and don't think I'm going to catch up on them anytime soon. Going to just have to start from scratch. Wish I could be more on top of that, but I can hardly find time to toast bread right now. I'll get a routine eventually and catch back up with everyone. Love!