napless

Clark seems to think it's time to give up his nap. He's 3 and a half, and perhaps it is indeed time. I've looked forward to this on one hand because having to come home for a nap does tie us down; if there were no napping kids we could stay out and run errands or go play, whatever. But there's a snag, I'm finding - besides the general one, which is that the newly-not-napping kid is still tired as hell and hollering in exhausted frustration because his gum is the wrong flavor. The snag is how to do downtime.

Frances needs downtime. She would go and go and go all day if I let her, and then she would fall to pieces. I believe in, as Waldorf philosophy says, letting the day breathe. In breath, out breath. Outward activity, inward quiet. Then again. During Clark's nap she has developed some space for herself which works well; she quietly sings while she draws (the most common) or sets up a carnival in her room or dresses herself for her doll's tea party. It's amazing and wonderful to watch. When Clark wakes up she comes out of her inward time and they run off with hysterical laughter to play.

Clark knows nothing about downtime. Whenever they are both awake they are together, playing. Vigorously. I haven't figured out yet how to enforce some down time for both at once. I could send them each to their rooms to play, but right now there aren't any toys in Clark's room. (An easy thing to rectify.) Yesterday I had them lie with me on the bed and I read a thousand books until Clark actually fell asleep. Today I thought myself quite brilliant and turned on a CD story that is this minute working well while I write this blog post.

I'm feeling at a loss for what kind of activity he could do, as he usually doesn't play by himself. A few minutes ago the story ended and I gave him some lacing cards. Which he seemed interested in for about 40 seconds until he discovered he could hang onto the lace and throw the board and it would kind of glide like a frisbee. "Look Mama it's a surf board!"

Maybe I should get a table for his trains. I'm open to suggestions here! Maybe raw materials for building? Like rope and silks and boxes? Do I just need StarWars legos instead of plain??? Help!

(As I write this I'm realizing: I'm probably going to have to participate in his quiet time for a while. I did that with Frances. I drew with her, or did drawing games with her, until she enjoyed doing it on her own. (My favorite is when Frances and I take turns adding to a picture until it's a full scene.)  Clark doesn't like drawing and crafts, but I could come up with something to build and do it with him to get him going. The problem I was having was trying to come up with an activity that doesn't include me so I can get other things done during that time. But that thinking is backward. For a bit I'm going to have to give up my time in order to teach him how to have quiet time. Yes yes yes. Tomorrow I will begin.)

dancing without rhythm = stumbling

Everything is falling apart over here. The kids were both terribly sick, high fevers, congestion, etc etc, and Frances missed school for a whole week. Which meant a week where everything got out of rhythm, a week with ridiculous amounts of TV. Then about the time they started to feel well, I got it too. And holy shit it's a killer of a flu. I now understand why Frances kept waking from her sweaty naps in tears. It just hurt, everywhere. Achiness and fever of 103 and bad bad bad headache and intense sinus pressure and congestion and awful awful. So though they were better, we were still house bound because I could barely drag my ass off the couch to pour them milk. And, again, lots of TV.

Over the weekend Mitch was a single parent because I spent the entirety of both days in bed. I think this was a major contributor to the fallingapartness because Mom was home, but they weren't allowed to see me. How odd that must seem. Once when I was barely awake I heard Frances open the door to the bedroom. She stood in the doorway a moment and watched me, and then quietly backed out and closed it behind her.

Then I discovered that this week is "February break". (What? Who has February break?! Those in the snowbelt, that's who; those in dire need of a trip to the tropics.) So off schedule again, everything askew.

To add to the pile, and in fact perhaps the biggest thing of all, Clark gave up his nap just days before they got sick. He would still like to be taking it, very much, and would gladly sleep 2 hours or more if I let him. But he was staying up until 10pm, which was simply not acceptable. So I cut the nap.

Now he's exhausted and still two and a half, and we have no rhythm to our days. I didn't realize how completely the day hinged on his nap. Now what to do? How to organize? Frankly, I haven't been very good at figuring it out because I can't seem to get well and therefore have no energy for creative parenting.

We have instituted a midday storytime which is helping. But even with that, I'm having to turn on the TV for them so I can nap. I'm just so exhausted....

I've been reading parenting books again, a terrible thing for my morale, this time Waldorf books that insist rhythm is the key to the universe. And to some degree I believe it is, at least when dealing with young children, which is what makes our lack of it so frustrating. I do believe a rhythm to the day gives them a feeling of security and connectedness, and this feeling of security is what they seem to be lacking. Perhaps this is partly the reason for the clinging, for Clark saying, "Mommy, I want you," even as he is wrapped around my leg. Frances said to me yesterday, "Mama, I never want to go away from you ever." I will need to hold onto that 10 years from now when she wants me not at all...

I do have a plan, and it includes storytime and quiet time and a daily walk. I'm waiting for it to either get a little warmer, or for me to feel a teeny bit better before I implement the last. There was one spring day last week (50 balmy degrees!), and most of the snow melted off the yards and up came the mud. We took our trikes outside, and it was glorious. Like coming up from the depths after the bends. Then that night it snowed, and now we're back to our regular 20 degree high and 6 degree low with constant flurries. But for a moment it was spring! It allowed me to see what our lives will be like soon enough. With spring outside the door I think I can get our footing, get a rhythm.

time for bed

Finally, FINALLY we've got a new functional bedtime system. (All parenting is about systems, isn't it?) For ages bedtime around here was pretty easy. Clark was a dream: plop him in his crib and wave goodnight as you close the door behind you. Frances sometimes argued and negotiated but you can't have everything.

Then a couple of months ago everything changed. It's all Clark's doing--we moved him into a toddler bed and he literally could not stay in it. It was like his feet were physically pulled to the floor. There was lots of carrying him back to bed, back to bed, back to bed, discussing with him, possible threatening, then more simple repetition. Finally we moved him back to the crib, which helped for about 2 days. (For a split second I really thought we were onto something there--that maybe he didn't feel safe in the toddler bed or something, and that being in the crib would solve the problem.) Then he just climbed out of the crib over and over.

Finally he impressed upon us that he wants someone to sit in his room until he falls asleep. Some new fear / insecurity that he's developed, also probably related to his insisting that all the lights stay on like it's daylight in there. (For a short time I would sneak in after he'd fallen asleep and turn them off, leaving a closet light with plenty of light to see by, but he'd just wake at 3 am and insist that the lamps be turned on too...) So these days someone sits in the armchair by the crib until he falls asleep. We'll only stay if he doesn't talk or sing or bang on is crib in an effort to keep himself awake. Now that he trusts we'll be there, doesn't have to argue with us and chase after us, he actually falls asleep pretty quickly. I bring reading material--it's certainly bright enough to read, after all. I have Frances read to herself on her bed while I sit in Clark's room; I tell her I'll come back and lie with her for a few minutes after. And sometimes by the time Clark's fallen asleep, Frances has too.

So. Whew. It's funny the way things move in stages with kids. So often it's hard to spot; you think this new thing is some personality flaw or parenting failure, something you need to address and fix, only to discover a month later that it was a phase and just passed on its own. It would be so much more helpful if the phases would announce themselves.

For now, though, bedtime is no longer a 2 hour ordeal. So happy.

indian summer

It's been 80 degrees here the past few days. A nice little kick before the cold sets in. The trees are already turning, a sharp bright orange against the blue blue sky.

Our favorite activity is popsicles. Really. After naps (sometimes before depending on how things are deteriorating, but generally after) I give them each a popsicle and we go outside. They sit in their little chairs or cram together in the little tikes car or we draw with sidewalk chalk while they eat their popsicles. I can even leave them out there by themselves a bit if I need to organize things for dinner. The rule is that they can't go down the driveway past the dogwood. Frances is very good about hollering to me if Clark tries to test this rule. She likes being a big sister.

Anyway, popsicle time takes up something like 45 minutes and makes everyone happy. They can be after-nap-crabby crabby crabby but when I say the word popsicles, everything improves. We go out into the sunshine, get some fresh air and vitamin D, eat a festive popsicle. I mean, really. What can be more festive than a popsicle? I bought these little molds at the grocery at the beginning of the summer and just fill them with fruit juice-- I don't ever feel bad about giving them a popsicle because no cane sugar (and certainly no hfcs!). Since we always water down the juice in the kids' cups, full strength juice is something yummy.


What will we do when it's cold and popsicles are not an option? I've loved this little ritual of ours.