Tuesday, December 8, 2009

to have or have not?

Several days ago I announced on facebook that I am struggling (torturing myself was the actual phrase) over whether or not to have kid number three. The comments from my friends were interesting and many, and they started another whirlwind in me, thinking this thing from all angles. I have a whole list of reasons not to, and my neighbor pointed out that none of those matter; they are rational reasons, and this is an emotional decision. Mitch's take on it is that 1) I'm thinking about it because I don't have anything else to think about, and 2) I'm a grass-is-greener sort of person. He also pointed out that it's a sort of defense--a way for me to not be fully present with my current situation. The last hit a nerve with me and I think maybe he's right. I really like where we are right now, where I am with the kids and where they are in their respective stages. I like our dynamic. Why not embrace and enjoy it? Do I really not want to BE HERE?

Everyone keeps saying that if I'm torturing myself about it then it must be something I want in my gut and therefore should go for it. But it's not that simple, especially as I'm 38 already and sleep deprivation is not pretty on me. I'm 38 already and it's going to be hard on my body. I'm 38 already and there are dangers. I'm just now seeing the clearing w/ my kids and I'm happy, having fun. This is part of the reason i want to do it again... now it's fun, and I think more would be more fun. Also, and I'm serious, I feel like I need more insurance... What if one becomes a drug addict or turns out to hate me? I need another in reserve. I know that sounds nuts.

Now, after agonizing over it for many hours, I am for the moment settled. Today i feel completely satisfied with my two kid family. I think Mitch is right that by thinking about it I sort of escape the present. I love the stage we're in right now and if one more person tells me "it goes really fast!" I'm going to sock them. Because when I think about how fast it goes it makes me panic and it makes me want to find a way to keep it, which is having another kid. But I can't keep it, and I might as well be present and celebrate it rather than panic that it's going to be gone. It IS going to be gone and there's nothing to be done and no reason to think about that. Settled. Content. I wonder how long it will last?

1 comment:

Paige said...

I totally know where you're coming from. I generally need A Project of some sort to focus/obsess on. For a long time, it was Mike (then a boyfriend). Then it was getting pregnant. Then it was getting pregnant again. Now it's Whether I'm Completely Fucking Up My Toddler On a Daily Basis.