Tuesday, August 30, 2011

we welcome all comments here!

Last week I got what might be my favorite comment ever. It was in response to this post. I've been thinking about it some and thought you'd appreciate seeing it. Here's the comment:

wow...to call your little baby a "little fucker" ?? you should be ASHAMED of yourself for even thinking that, let alone posting that on the internet. some of these posts are pathetic. grow up. if you can't handle kids, you shouldn't be a mother. i know plenty of single working moms who don't bitch and moan about how hard their lives are and they don't have the luxury of being a stay at home mom while their husband provides everything. you need to get your priorities straight, and think a little more about your children, and the good things you do have in life. you may have been an only child and gotten your way all the time, but it's time to stop being the drama queen and focus on your children, white trash mama.

Well! Let's take a look at this, shall we? I like particularly that she tells me I should be ASHAMED for even thinking those thoughts. Sigh. This is exactly the public's attitude I talk about all the time. This is the reason I started the blog in the first place (you can read more about that here). I believe it's the main contributor postpartum depression and anxiety, because we are taught that in order to be good mothers, we can never have a negative thought about our children. Yet all worthwhile relationships in this world are complex. They have multiple sides, attitudes, feelings; both positive and negative. To think otherwise is to ignore reality.

After all, we feel what we feel. Ignoring our feelings - or even worse - being ashamed of them, only bottles everything up and creates a big mess. In order to move past these feelings to the other ones, the ones in joy, we have to acknowledge the hard ones, respect their power, see what they have to teach us, then let them go. 

It's true that plenty of single working mothers don't bitch and moan as much as I do. There are plenty of stay-at-home ones that don't either. I'll be the first to admit that I do more moaning than is ever necessary, and my navel gazing does indeed reach irrational proportions. She got me on that one. I even admit my over-complaining in this post.

At the same time, this blog is about the trials of being a mom (as it says right in the subtitle up on the banner), particularly a stay at home mom, and I'm willing to bet that any working single mother would have plenty to bitch about were she to write her own blog. There are other blogs that celebrate momdom rather than bitch about it, and they are great. They, in fact, provide me with a lot of inspiration in my daily life. I choose not to write about those moments, however, and I talk about why in this post. All in all, I find writing about the struggles cathartic. Sometimes it helps me regain my sense of humor, even if it doesn't always come across on the page. 

As for how I should "think a little more about my children," I don't even know how to respond to that. My concern for my children, and how to wade through these young child years gracefully while also giving them every opportunity and support, and indeed sheltering them from my negative feelings, is my prime motivator in writing. Maybe this was the only post she actually read from the blog.

AND I'd like to point out that she left her comment anonymously. I mean, really. If you're going to land that kind of trip on someone else, you should at least own up to it, doncha think? 

Now that I think about it, maybe she doesn't have kids. If I had to take a guess, she's pregnant, is dreamily looking forward to the moment she first lays eyes on her beautiful baby, at which time all the pieces of her life will come together in a magical fusion that leaves her complete. She's trolling the internet for information about being a mom, and my post's proposition - the idea that she might have negative feelings about her sweet baby - threatens her sense of self and maybe even the steadiness of the world. Well, all I can say is bless her heart, and she'll find out when the time comes. 


Aria said...

I love your blog. And you. Such a wonderful friend, mom, commentator!

Leslie said...

I love your full disclosure, and have thought about this post through the day. The phrase "little fucker" caught my attention, too, and wondered if I'd have the balls to be so expressive, but I started thinking about how many times I've thought/voiced she was a stinker (my word of choice). And, really, isn't a stinker simply a little fucker with a cherry on top? I appreciate your writing from the gut, and realize parenting delves into my entire spectrum of emotions, from most blissful to the fucking fuckiest. Even though one person gets pissed off, think of the many others who are like, hell yeah!

Anonymous said...

To speak as the oft-quoted (but likely proverbial) “single-mom,” I would like to second the mission of your writing. If I were reading about the joys, delights, ease, and slappy-happy days of motherhood, rather than your clear-eyed, irreverent, honest, and absurd rants and reflections about the life of the mother, I would probably stab my eye out with a pencil.

Keep it up, girl! -Kristen

Inez said...

I must say, the person who wrote anonymously was just mean. Your perspective is not everyone’s perspective. Not everyone feels the frustration and anxiety you feel, but many do, and you are expressing those thoughts. For her to say you need to “think a little more about your children” is just crazy. If you thought any more about your children you would think of nothing else. You are always working to be the best mom you can be….and it shows in your children. They are kind. They are thoughtful. They are delightful. They are wonderful.

Amy R said...

Sigh...people like your anonymous commenter make me shake my head in wonder.

I agree that she likely doesn't have children, or if she does she has ones that don't talk/move/argue/fight with their siblings/complain/whine/beg/sass/lie etc. Lucky her. For the rest of us, those of us living here on planet REALITY, I think your blog sums up a lot of what most of us feel on a regular basis.

My children are my life. Yes, I love them more than life itself and a life without them is unimaginable. I would give both of my arms to them if they needed them. But guess what...they are people and they have their own thoughts, wants and ideas that are going to differ from mine and we have to find ways to live together. This is going to mean a lot of frustration on both parts and yes, a lot of less than pleasant thoughts from both "sides". It's called life and learning to live together. When my oldest (6-1/2) lies to my face, am I thinking "oh, you are the joy of my life you darling angel"? Hell no..."Little F&*^er" pretty much sums it up. When the younger one (4-1/2) throws her entire bowl of cereal on the ground because I "put too much milk in it", that magical cloud of maternal love kind of floats away temporarily.

And to comment anonymously...what a coward. If you're going to trash someone, at least have the decency to own up to it.

Joy said...

I was just telling my hubs tonight how much I enjoy reading your writings. Write on, white trash mama!

andrea said...

I think my favorite part of this post is how you own your position.... the defenses do not even rear their head. You just mater of fact-ly respond, with a clear head and power.

Being a part time working, stay at home mom, I will say that being at home with your kids all day is the HARDEST job I have ever had. Granted I have never been a single parent working with two kids...
I am a child of a single parent with four kids and I know that I dedicate my life to my kids, just as my mom did and "little fucker" is just part of the journey.
From one White Trash Mama to another.

Cali Lovett said...

Thanks for all the support, friends! A friend who sent an email to me about the post said this: "What struck me the most about the guest commentator's post was the degree of anger expressed. Sublimating her/his own guilt and shame about being an "inadequate" parent, gotta yell at someone who owns it? I dunno." The level of anger is indeed interesting. My dad suggested it was simply the cussing itself that sent him/her off. And perhaps so. Some people are indeed insulted by the use of profanity. My writing teachers would say it's lazy, cussing. Oh well. I find it helpful in getting across intensity and emotion. It's not intended to shock. Anyway, thank you again for the encouragement in this blog and in my exploration and expression of mothering young children. I like writing about it, and I love that you read it. Please, all comments welcome!