Monday, June 11, 2012

forward

This parenting gig is emotional business. I dropped both kids off this morning for their first day at camp - Frances went there last year but this is Clark's first experience - and I almost wept watching them go off with their group. They were so big; they were so little. My heart was so full it ached.

And why? Why is it all so emotional? I suppose because we know we can't hold it, can't hold onto it, these moments. Can't hold onto them and their babyness.

I've been feeling the baby pull again lately, but I think it's nothing more than the longing for all of this to stay. It's the desire to hang onto the time when they need and love me so desperately. It's amazingly satisfying to be needed by another creature so completely. But, if I think back with honesty, being needed so is also extremely taxing and sometimes resentment making. Which is why I'm trying to keep my head about this and know that another baby is not the answer to the question.

The answer to the question is for me to get off my ass and go get something of my own.

The kids are signed up for this camp this week and next, 9-1 each day. This is the first time EVER that I've had both kids in activities all morning for FIVE WHOLE DAYS IN A ROW. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

My joy over this limited freedom makes me know that the answer to the question is not another baby, but me me me. What do I want to do in this world? How do I want to spend my time, my energy? Do I want to write? Paint? Organize food drops for a homeless organization?

I read a quote recently that said something like: midlife is when the universe takes you by the shoulders and says, stop fucking around and use the gifts you've been given!!

It's less scary to turn back to what we know - which for me these days is certainly babies and little children. But that's not the best reason to do it. Especially when I struggle with post pardem depression, etc. No, I need to go forward, into the world, not retreat from it to care for an infant. It is time. 

1 comment:

M. Bloom said...

Go, mama, go! Revel in that new-found freedom. Your CSA adventure sounded grand. Looking forward to hearing what you're up to next...
mb