Sunday, December 14, 2008

bitch and moan

I'm here to complain. I understand fully if you don't want to hear the moaning of someone who is so fortunate in so many ways and won't be offended if you stop reading now.

I'm exhausted. Having little kids is exhausting. We've been talking about getting pregnant again soon, but I can't. I simply can't do it right now. I can't have another baby this close together. I can't stay in this little-kid-no-time-to-myself universe for another 3 years. I've decided we'll wait until June--Clark will be about 15 months--and we can rethink it then.

But my real issue right now is my migraines. I don't know how much I've written on this blog about my headaches in the past, but I've had them all my life. Sometimes they're better, sometimes worse, and right now I'm stuck in a cycle that's knocking me down. It's been almost 3 weeks and I simply can't kick them. The anxiety I was struggling with has lifted but now I find I'm depressed, but last night it occurred to me that it's simply the headaches. (well, not SIMPLY the headaches... also the exasperation, the exhaustion, the frustration of my life w/ two tiny kids, but these things would only tire me out, not depress me if it weren't for the headaches.) It shouldn't surprise me that I'm depressed after this run of chronic pain--who wouldn't be depressed?

And Frances is really sick. Clark's already on antibiotics for the crud he had a week or more ago, so at least he's feeling good. Frances doesn't have any symptoms except fever, but it's pretty high--she won't eat, and we're having trouble getting her even to drink anything. She clearly feels horrible. What this means, of course, is that she wants me all the time. Wants me to "hold..." Wants me. Wants only me. Yesterday morning I left Mitch here with the kids and went to the grocery and as I was checking out he called me on my cell to ask when I was going to be home; Frances had been having a full tantrum for 30 minutes because she wanted Mommy Mommy Mommy. She only stopped screaming at the very top of her lungs when she saw the car pull into the driveway.

Clark wants Mommy too, but that's because he's 9 months old and very firmly attached. I just want to lie in the bathtub for an extended period of time. I feel like I haven't had a break of any kind in weeks, which could be true and not just my skewed perception. Because Clark is so attached and Frances is so needy, having my regular sitters here isn't the same kind of help as usual; the kids don't want the sitters when I'm in the house too. Ugh ugh ugh.

I understand now why folks w/ little kids move near their own parents. I fantasize about the kind of relief it would be to have family near who could help out. But that's not my situation, and it won't be. Gotta make use of what I can. At least we can afford sitters...! I don't know how on this good earth single working parents do this without completely losing their minds. Really.


lefty said...

Hi, Cali. You just commented on my migraine blog. I'm so sorry to hear about this long spell of torture. Of course you are depressed. When I first got mine last year and had them every day with the vertigo and vomiting for 8 weeks, I was clinically depressed. I am not surprised about it with all the hormone changes and everything that goes into migraines. Have you talked to your doctor about that?

I have two little girls myself and that is the hardest part of a migraine. The pain is nothing to the mommy/wife guilt, for me. Can your husband take the children out of the house for two hours--take them to something fun while you stay at home? Or a sitter do that? My husband did that when he could--but he was in grad school and working full time.

Let's keep in touch. Nothing like another sufferer to commiserate and perhaps problem solve. As to your prednisone taper question: I have had two nuerologists and both have given this to me. The first one prescribed 60 for three days, then 50 for three and so on down to 10 for three. My current doc's Rx is 60, 55, 50, 45 and so on down to 5mg on the last day. My last taper helped--but I had migraines throughout the entire time. Sometimes when on a taper I feel terrific every once in a while. My last taper helped to buffer the constant pain--but at least they ended by the end of it.
I had a two week break and now that I have started my cycle am back on the pain train. My husband wants me to go back on the pill to stop my period and control my headaches better, my neurologist isn't convinced they are helpful to migraines (though it has proven effective for me, I think...), and I don't like the side effects of the pill. So...abstain and suffer? There are so many options, decisions and also, uncertainty.
Good luck and let's keep in touch.

Julie @ Letter9 said...

i'm one of those folks who moved home to be near the folks (as you know already), and it's definitely good but it's also (already) been hard for me to acknowledge that the kiddo's still my job. the grandparents love to play with him and babysit and watch him and all, but i'm still the one who gets him 5 days a week, and knowing that is still hard.

once all our kids are feeling better we definitely should get together.

Cali said...

thank you oh thank you for these comments. it's hard to feel supported up here in this new town (state, planet) where I haven't fully found my place yet. makes me feel less alone to know folks are reading my blog and taking the time to write.