Sunday, March 8, 2009

change is hard

What to do when one starts walking and weens and turns one all at once? Take refuge in a teddy bear, I suppose. Clark's never had an attachment to a stuffed animal or blanket or anything, and suddenly he's got both. It's very sweet. The bear was given to him by his babysitter which I think is relevant because he loves her so much. It's a white bear. White. Which it probably won't be for long... It's funny to me that he's sort of out of the blue attached to the bear and the blanket also (light blue, satin trimmed) but M pointed out that until recently he had the boob for comfort.

I'm sad about the weening. I had thought I might nurse him a while longer, a few more months, a walking nursing baby. I was pretty sure I didn't want to nurse a talking toddler though I have friends who have done that. But it doesn't seem my style. Still, I wasn't quite ready for it to be over. When we were in Michigan last week and Clark clearly didn't want to nurse anymore I felt I should have some sort of ritual to mark the end, but I couldn't think of what.

Today is his birthday. I'm having trouble with this one and I wish we'd planned a party for today. My mom's coming next week and we thought we'd have a little celebration then (it's not like the kids know the difference...) but I think it would have done me good to have something today--something to mark the year's passing, to note that he's not just one but as of last week also walking and weened. How did that happen all at once? Today at the gym I chatted with someone and when I told her it was Clark's birthday I started crying right there between the elliptical machines and the stair-steppers. Embarrassing. I've been crying for the past few days, in fact, and I didn't know why I was depressed and emotional. Guess what? Not only is today Clark's first birthday, but just tonight I started my period. You may be wondering why that's noteworthy, and it's because this is the first period I've had in THREE AND A HALF YEARS. I'm serious. And sad it's back. *sigh* A year after giving birth, and something else to mark the occasion.

The past few emotional days I've been wanting another baby. I've always wanted another, I suppose, and now that Clark's turning into a little person it's coming on strong. Still, I don't know if it's a good idea for us. As I've said before, if family were near things might be different. Alas.

In other news, I got a new laptop! Which means I'll probably be posting more regularly now... Off to straighten up the crazy mess that is kids in the house.

1 comment:

Paige said...

Cali, hang in there - it's a lot to process in a short period of time.